My Belated Reintroduction (With A Bit of Colonel Pork History)

WELL, 10 months later......and here I am with a brand new blog post! THAT certainly worked out as planned, didn't it? To those poor, misguided wanderers of the Interwebz who got suckered into thinking that they would be treated to a brand new blog post by Yours Truly the Sunday after my previous one only to be left all alone with nothing but an obligatory tumbleweed, a duststorm, and an overwhelming sense of isolation........yeah. No apology from me. No sympathy whatsoever. Because I have a nonexistent audience. So why should I apologize to thin air, or in this case, empty cyberspace? Bahahahahahahaha! You humor me so.

So I guess as before, I must start off this blog post with DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN:

COLONEL PORK'S COMMENT COR--*record scratch*

Oh let's cut the hog excrement. Why am I even bothering? We all know the inevitable. The leering "NO COMMENTS" indication right where one would usually see a list of comments. The wasteland of nothingness penetrated by the dreaded "POST A COMMENT" box taking center stage. You even contemplate typing a comment of your own out of self-desperation to make it LOOK like you've got hits, and use some weird ass nickname that you just pull out of your bottom to cleverly disguise said comment. It's a blogger's worst nightmare. Not a single indication of acknowledgement. Not even spam! NOT EVEN A PICTURE OF A CAN OF SPAMok that joke was super lame. But you get the picture. 

But you didn't come here to read about some random Internet geekazoid ramble on in pathetic self-pity about the woes of overlooked blogs. Then again, maybe some of you are just into that sort of thing. No, what YOU, 1 or 2 people that will probably click this blog out of sheer curiosity just to see just how abysmal this blog that this dude on your friend's list posted and then sneer behind his back just to ensure how much more proud your own work of blogging is compared to him (boy that description winded on longer than anticipated), want to see are some reviews and all that jazz. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnndddd.........

*crickets chirping*

Nothing. I have nothing........What! I've been in school for the past couple of weeks! I haven't had the time to watch a full-length movie and REALLY think about it afterward or finish a game to the point where I can post impressions. And while I have listened to quite a few hippity hoppity albums/mixtapes lately, I haven't necessarily let them resonate enough in my head to really give my impressions just yet. So, I guess this week......hmmmmmmmmmm.......I could give a sort of reintroduction? YEAH, that'll be perfect, since I hadn't posted anything for a while, and I still have yet to establish an audience! YES!!!! YES!!!! WOO-HOO!!!!!! I'M A GENIUS!!!!! *gasping for air* Alright, alright, like the almighty Tourette's Guy says, "Calm down! Calm down! Don't get a big DUIIIICK!!!!!"

So, as if you couldn't already tell, I am Colonel Pork. AKA Gohantech. AKA, um, Josh. Yeah, that's my name. I'm pretty much a mass communications major concentrated in film and media arts at University of West Georgia, and I also have a minor in film studies. I am also caffeine free. Been that way for 5 years. That's one thing I can really brag on. I see people bitch and moan about being off caffeine for a day and complaining about horrible headaches, and it just feels FANTABLOUSISTABLE (ok, never again with the made up words) knowing I haven't had a lick of chocolate or caffeinated beverages since September 2007. 

But I apologize for that slight tangent. Actually, no I don't. It's my blog, and I'm very scatter-minded when I type. Don't like it, click away to some how-to blog or some witty research blog written by some dashing intellectual with Wayfarer glasses and a distinguished face with a defined jawline or something. Anyways, back to my acknowledgement of me making a slight tangent and beginning to mention how I'm going to go back to a previous subject that needs to be addressed. Many people--ok, maybe just three or five realistically--have asked me,  "How exactly did the nickname 'Colonel Pork' come about?" Well, since I have nothing else better to talk about, I shall reveal this brief history...........or at least the bits I can remember.

So I guess the earliest I can remember was when I was in sixth or seventh grade. I was an avid fan of Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network at the time, and back in those days, there was so much bizarre and random stuff on these cartoons that I just became addicted to this kind of humor. Whenever there was something that I thought was particularly funny, I would quote it around the house or extract from it my own goofy expressions and act zany around the house just to get a reaction out of my mom. She has always given satisfyingly hilarious reactions to my deliberately stupid behavior in the house. I can always remember on the show Hey Arnold! that there was one episode in which one of the tenants of the boarding house, a lazy Czech man by the name of Oskar, had to take care of a baby.

 During the beginning of the episode, he would whine and cry to his wife to make him a sandwich. And for some odd reason, that just stuck with me and I thought it was hysterical. It was the carefree way he said it with his high pitched, heavily accented voice and whiny tone I guess. But I LOVED repeating it. And I LOVED making ham sandwiches and interpolating my own goofy phrases while making these sandwiches, just to establish that, "Heehee! I am making a ham sandwich!" I don't know, it probably doesn't make sense and the connection between Oskar's quote and my own seems loosely related, but it's hard to put it into words. Eventually, when my mom would make porkchops or pork steaks some nights for dinner, and then have leftovers the next day, I just found it really funny to say, "I am going to make a pork sandwich." "Look at the pork sandwich." "Pork sandwich this." "Pork sandwich that." Again, my intentions were extremely random, and that's why I repeated it over and over and over again to the point where I recognized my own infatuation with pork and ham sandwiches. So I started using that as a quirky characteristic about myself.

Now, how exactly did I come up with the name "Colonel Pork?" Dunno. My mind is fuzzy when it comes to the exact moment in which the name came into fruition. I think it had to do with me being a mischievousness Internet clown going onto Yahoo! chat rooms and causing havoc. Back in the day, when I was living far away from some of my friends, we used to get on Yahoo! Instant Messenger (back before texting became mainstream and THE communication phenomenon) and go into random chat rooms and goof off. I conjured up the name "Colonel Pork" one time, and I even started creating my own goofy mythos just to make people think I was a mental case in those chats. It is safe to assume that I was kicked out of quite a lot, which was my main goal as a chat room troll of course. But I started to embrace this name I used as usernames for websites as an actual nickname, and my mom even had it written on my birthday cake for my 16th birthday. I even remember in art class one of my first friends I made in high school used to call me "Hamboy" because I would express my love of ham as an inside joke. So I actually gained an alternative nickname in the process.

Fast forward to summer 2008. I was a graduated senior, and my dad had just gotten me a rad new Kodak digital camera. And I was a YouTube addict. And the digital camera had a video function. A swarm of light bulbs start revolving around my head. I MUST TRY MY HAND AT THIS YOUTUBE THANG!!! So, I uploaded my first video to the "colonelpork" page I had created in 2006 (and to the day of me typing this post, "Please Wait..." STILL has no likes/dislikes or comments...). And throughout that whole summer before I moved to another state, that camera practically recorded my life everyday, despite the grimy quality. I went everywhere with that thing. I made my own satirical vlogs revolving around a "wannabe gangsta" and I was introduced to video editing by using Windows Movie Maker to create my own misadventures around town with this "wannabe gangsta" persona I created. They weren't funny, and looking back at them now they are worthy of being excremental representatives of YouTube's version of Hell, but to me, they serve as memories I suppose, so I keep them on there to remind me of the good ol' days. But another reason I made so many videos was because I actually had friends by the time I graduated. I always had a hard time making friends throughout my high school years, but by the end of my senior year, I had a crew of them I could call my own. And this camera that I owned helped me establish a distinguished identity amongst them. Despite these videos that I recorded being just plain farfetched and lame to the outside viewer, between my friends and I, they provided immense entertainment, both in recording them and just watching them back. And thus, my nickname, "Colonel Pork" was born, and my friends were actually calling me that on a day to day basis. They still do today. And ever since, it has stuck. Even when meeting new people in college, they call me by my nickname as well once they recognize that I'm a goofy guy with a YouTube channel. It does irk me a little bit when people shorten it to "Colonel," since it makes me sound like I was a colonel in the Army and I don't want strangers overhearing my shortened nickname getting the wrong idea. But no matter. It's still cool that people are starting to recognize me with a nickname that I made up as opposed to just boring ol' "Josh." 

So that's basically my whole, long-winded life story of the origins of "Colonel Pork." I know it seemed like just neverending rambling, but, just to reiterate, it's my blog, and I can write about whatever the hell I want and make it the length I want it to be. That's the beauty of blogging: your rules, your writing, your blog. And if you happen to have a stroke of luck, maybe you'll just find that audience you're looking for. Or maybe not. Maybe you'll just continue to write dozens upon dozens of blog posts to no avail. But at least it's reassuring to know there is a place to vent and get your thoughts out there in some way, shape, form or fashion with the potential of feedback and establishing connections with other people. I know my style seems very sarcastically self-deprived at times, and I know that may turn off a bunch of people, but I look at it as a way of being honest about myself and to be self aware and vulnerable in a world of egotistical, narcissistic douchebags. I just don't want to be another one of those people. So if I get a comment or even a view, that means the world to me. But if not, at least I have a medium to post my thoughts and feelings about the world and about myself at times, such as this post. 

Either way, I sincerely do apologize this time if this post was longer than it should have, but if you actually read it, kudos. Hopefully next time I'll have something more informative. Or perhaps I'll start sharing my own work on YouTube, but in the mean time, check out my first channel and my newest channel, SuperColonelPork, for some skits and videos I've done for college. I will be uploading my professional work on that channel while uploading other random stuff on my older channel. As for when my next post will be? Well, I sure as hell aren't going to give a definitive day like I mistakenly did last time, since my schedule gets in the way of writing these things, so expect another blog post whenever. So, Colonel Pork, signing off....with awesome solar flare logo that may cause permanent blindness! OH NOESSSSS!!!!!!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!