This Post is About Fictional Russians and A Boy Who Loves Clocks

So, my incredibly dull spring break is just about over, all the homework that was assigned to me that could be done has been finished, and it's Sunday. THAT MEANS NEW BLOG POST TIME!!!!!!!!! Can I get an incredibly dull, unenthusiastic "yay?" I thought so. ANYWAYS, here's a new segment I'm going to introduce to my blogs. It is called.......drum roll please.....*silence*........or not........

COLONEL PORK'S COMMENT CORNER!!!!

In this introductory section of my blog post, I will showcase the top three comments left on my last blog! Ready? I thought so! HERE. WE. GO!!!!

michael455_lakers4lyfe wrote: ur blog sukz dikz n shit i red better stuff n porn magzines n i dont even reed pornz! i jus look at da pics cuz da artcles are not even improtant i mean who reeds pornz 4 da articles neeways? so yeah i just thought id mention dat sucka bitch 

fudgemotioncontrols wrote: Hello! Read your blog, and I just wanted to say...............well, damn, I forgot. Well, I'll just write a comment anyways to let you know at least somebody acknowledged your blog and that.......I forgot what I was going to say again. Never mind.

bulgingbladder1996 wrote: ***<<<I thought your blog was very informative, but you should check out my blog over at clams4sale.blogspot.com for the best clam recipes on the web!>>>***

And, by top three comments left on my blogs, I meant hypothetical comments of exaggerated nature that never even existed to begin with! Why I did this, or even created this section to begin with, even if I did have comments, I have no idea. Maybe to waste everyone's time, which is what I'm good at. MOVING ON!

COLONEL PORK'S AVERAGE BOAR GAMING REVIEWS OF SIMPLICITY!!!!!!

Ever heard of Freedom Fighters? No? Possibly, but never gave an interest to? Well, this is the game that occupied most of the minimal gaming time I did manage to get in during break. I've had it sitting on my shelf, collecting dust since I got it for Christmas way back in 2003. Well, actually, I did try to play it and get into it back when I first got it, but for some reason, I just stopped playing it. Maybe I found it too difficult, maybe I found it too bland, maybe it was the combination of the two, I don't know. But, as we get older, our tastes in various things have the tendency to drastically change, so, being the more open-minded 22-year old that I am, I mustered up the courage to dive into it again. On the hard difficulty. And here's where the irony comes in......or maybe it isn't, depending on who you talk to: it was actually easier than I remembered, despite playing on a harder difficulty than I did last time when I played as a picky preteen. I don't see how, since I was fairly more involved in gaming back then than I am today, so why the huge difficulty slump? It could be the fact that I could adapt to the strategical squad-based gameplay mechanics far more simpler than I could back then. That's basically what this game is: a squad-based shooter, a third-person one at that. 

You play as a plumber named Chris (proving that Mario isn't the only sole contender to that title any longer) who witnesses the Soviet Union taking over the U.S. and subjugating its citizens to its brutish rule, so it's up to you to join the resistance and stop the evil doers. Because we all know that in Gamingland, the Russians = evil, bloodthirsty tyrants who aimlessly kill foreigners who get in their way with very hyperbolic accents of predictable proportions. 

But, the story isn't why you play this game. It's the gameplay. You take part in various missions in which you have to destroy enemy helipads, rescue prisoners of war, and ultimately take back territory that they have taken over. And........that about does it for the mission types. It can seem like very repetitive stuff at times. However, to me, it is a game that hearkens back to when old school action games focused on level design and gameplay, relying on repetition in order to accompany a gamer to master the mechanics through more difficult encounters and ultimately beat the game. It also becomes addictive the more you play, and you'll be wanting to conquer the next mission after beating the last. What makes the missions interesting is the impact that some have on another, depending on the order you tackle them. For example, suppose you are playing a level, and you constantly have a barrage of enemy helicopters mowing you down with a barrage of bullets. You can actually destroy a helipad at another location, and it will take care of the helicopter problem, adding a hint of strategy in the game. 

It makes situations a little more simple, but you WILL eventually stumble upon a few frustrating points in the game. However, it is nothing too excruciatingly difficult to the point where you throw your controller out your window. It is something that is actually refreshing to me because in today's day and age of gaming, developers rely too heavily on appeasing the "casual" crowd by sacrificing difficulty, and far too often in video game reviews, you read complaints about the game being "too easy." For once, it was nice to revisit a game that existed before the sudden surge of widespread appeal bombarded the video game masses. 

As for the squad-based goodness, you level up your "Charisma" meter by completing mission objectives and rescuing prisoners strewn about levels, unlocking an additional slot in which you can recruit one more freedom fighter to accompany you. The maximum you can have in the game is twelve, and by the game's end, it does feel exhilarating to be commanding a band of fighters that size. 

Because the game was released in 2003, don't expect the graphics to impress the hell out of you, because they do look incredibly dated. But no matter. If you're the type of gamer who prefers gameplay over graphics, like me, you won't mind one bit. However, the game does sport a sweeping musical score at times. There will be times when you'll be about to enter into an area with a shitton of baddies, and you'll be bracing yourself to command your squad to press on and engage in combat. Once you make that decision, though, in the midst of all the gunfire and chaos, you'll hear that music, and think to yourself, "Damn. This is some cinematic, action-packed shit right here!" It definitely adds to the game's amazing firefights.

Controls also seem very dated. In this day and age where the FPS and the over-the-shoulder third-person games are king, it can be very rough to become readjusted to the controls of an older shooter. For one, there is no cover system where you can peak around corners and stride against walls. You can only resort to finding a wall to hide behind and crouch. In order to return enemy fire, you'll have to manually crouch and stand in order to fire your weapon most of the time. Again, in my opinion, it adds to the challenge in a way that most modern games no longer contain, but for newer gamers who have become spoiled accustomed to the PS3/360 generation of games, the learning curve could be a little steep. 

It's a very decent game that took me about 9-12 hours to beat, which is pretty standard for a third-person shooter. Aside from repetitious mission objectives and gameplay, there is a noticeable lack of variety when it comes to enemies you'll encounter (not to mention there are barely any boss battles). It isn't an immensely deep game, but it is very entertaining for what it is, and despite its shortcomings, if you can look past them (I'm looking at you, you CoD graphic whores with short attention spans), you'll find yourself a little gem to cherish. I give it:

         

2 PIG SNOUTS OUT OF 3!!!!!!!

Yeah, screw those five or ten point scoring systems gaming sites give. I'm an unconventional hipster, so I come up with my OWN scale. Colonel Pork fights for nonconformity! Colonel Pork leads his army of boars and swine to fight against predictability! Our purpose SHUNS that! Our purpose is to CONQUER that! Our purpose is to FIGHT that! FOR ORIGINALITY!!!!!

*silence*

Oh, um, sorry. Got carried away, like I was at some political rally of loyal pig followers. I was actually expecting a crowd of squealing oinks to supplement that speech I was going for there. Whatever. Anyways, FAMILIAR SEGMENT TYME!!!!!!

COLONEL PORK'S CINEPLEX FOR CINEPHILES!!!!!!!

Ah, here's one I'm sure you've all heard of. Hugo. This is a film released last year by the AMAZERINGFUL Martin Scorcese. If you've never heard of the guy, well, then I SENTENCE YOU TO EXILE IN THE DESERT WITH NOTHING BUT A PLAID KILT!!!!! Or, not, since I don't have that ability. I'm just a nerdy dude with a stupid username on the Internet who has an inflated imagination. Anyways, MOVEH!!!!! Going into this, I had heard reports that people suffered from immense boredom, despite the visual spectacle found in the film's various shots. However, I could not disagree more. This was an incredible experience to take part in. You go in expecting something of a fantasy adventure that takes place in an early 1920s steampunk atmosphere in Paris, but it becomes a lot more than that. It actually becomes a partial film history lesson at various moments, which is what kept my interest throughout the film. It all reminded me of some of the things I learned in a Film Theory and History class I had last year. I won't spoil anything here, since some of it becomes crucial to unfolding the film's plot, which is based on a book called The Invention of Hugo Cabret. Read the wikipedia article if you want to spoil all the good stuff yourself. But it basically follows a young thief who has a passion for fixing clocks and tinkering with machines powered by gears, and he eventually becomes apprehended by a disgruntled old man who runs a toy booth. That's all I want to reveal. Watch the movie yourself you lazy shizznipples! The cast is incredible, and features the likes of the superb Ben Kingsley as the toy booth owner, Asa Butterfield, who turns in a surprisingly good performance as Hugo, and a surprise performance from Sasha Cohen Baron....I mean, Sasha Baron Cohen (always get his name jumbled) as an inspector at a train station with a dysfunctional leg who rules with an iron fist, but also provides, of course, some of the film's comic relief. What I really enjoyed about this film was how it blended film history with other subplots surrounding some of the other characters, such as Hugo's misadventures with the inspector and the inspector trying to pursue a florist he is attracted to. It gives every minor character you encounter in the film some personality and depth while involving you in a sense of adventure throughout. I've never read the book it was based off of, since I'm not much of a reader (I know, smite me), but I can imagine the book has some of the same elements in it. And, for all you people who LOOOOOVE using philosophical quotes for your Facebook statuses, this is a film for you. The film interposes its atmosphere filled with gears and machinery into some very insightful metaphors on life itself, giving you something to think about after the credits roll......yeah, that last sentence was me trying to sound all smart and shit, but I'm not sure if it just came across as very pretentious or confusing as hell or what. Regardless, all and all, as a lover of film who wants to go into the field himself, I definitely enjoyed the movie a lot and it was very interesting to learn some history about the beginnings of film as well as witness some exhilarating adventures of Hugo. It is a movie that pays homage to the movies with a lot of heart, and Martin Scorcese did a damn good job transitioning into family film territory with intelligence and grand visual wonder.

That is all I have to say for today. Tune in possibly next weekend for another irrelevant blog with things you're probably not interested in! I'm still trying to figure out which day to release these on every week, but we'll try Sundays, see how that does. So, Colonel Pork, signing off......with awesome solar flare logo of awesomeness that may cause permanent blindness! OH NOESSS!!!!! 

BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!