I Came Unprepared For This, So I Have No Idea What I'm Going To Write About Until I Come Up With Something While Writing

Pretty much the gist of it. I know I haven't made a blog post in awhile....or, at least an informative one....actually, scratch that, I've NEVER made an informative blog post. Ok, we'll just stick with "blog post" in general. Anyways, I know I haven't made a blog post in awhile, but I must say, this semester has really started to kick into high gear. I'm taking two classes now that consist of creating video projects and editing, so that's mostly taking up my time, plus a few other classes in between. I've also got other things on my mind, but this blog isn't about my personal issues. Nah, this blog is about random reviews that aren't even credible or informative enough to be legitimate reviews. Just some 20-something trying to sound smart about movies/games/CDs that mostly everyone that he gets to read this have never heard of or bother to check out.  If I tried reviewing something like Dark Knight Rises, I would just sound like an idiot talking out of my ass.

My goodness I always go off on a self-deprived tangent on all of these blogs. I don't know if I do it as an attempt at ironic humor or if I just think people will pardon my stupidity by actually thinking I sound intelligent because I'm so self-aware. It's like, "OH!! LOOK AT ME, TALKING ALL HUMBLE AND SELF AWARE!!! IF I WAS NAIVE ABOUT IT, I'D LOOK DUMB, BUT I'M SMART ENOUGH TO POINT IT OUT, SO I MUST HAVE BRAINS DURP DURP DURP!!!" I don't know. At this point, I'm sure you've already clicked away because I sound like a whiner, but if you didn't, I have an album review for you. And it is possibly one of my favorite albums of all time, and that isn't much considering my limited musical experience compared to many other people who dabble in multiple genres. But, here is:

WHAT THE HELL IS COLONEL PORK LISTENING TO??!!!

Death Is Silent is a 2010 release from producer/rapper Kno. You may KNO him from the criminally underrated Southern hip-hop group CunninLynguists. Sometimes he has gotten on the mic to drop some knowledge with emcees Deacon the Villain and Natti (who replaced Mr. SOS after Southernunderground dropped), but most of the time he's creating incredible soundscape backdrops for the trio to kick knowledge over. However, on this album, he takes full production duties AND is the frontman emcee on all the tracks. Now, this was the first CunninLynguists-related project that I had ever bought and listened to, so this was the album that got me into them in the first place. And I am so glad I had the opportunity to hear this album when I did because it is one hell of an engaging listening experience. First of all, the album art. MY GOODNESS is that gorgeous. I, unfortunately, could not name who was responsible for the artwork, but it definitely reflects the album's tone and atmosphere of revolving around themes of death, sadness, heartbreak, and just getting through the rough patches of life altogether. Now, upon seeing the title of the album and reading what the basic concepts of the songs are, one might be quick to classify this album as an "emo" rap album. And even Kno says himself that he is the "emo Premo" on the song "Graveyard," but I see this album as a more poetic and artistic representation of that label. Just the way Kno writes some of the verses on this thing are just so mindblowing and creative that it's hard to really classify it as "rap." One of the best examples is "La Petite Mort (Come Die With Me)." From the moment you hear the guitar strumming and the haunting vocal samples comprising the somber production, you'll come to realize how passionate this song sounds. The way Kno incorporates the theme of death and intermingles that with references to mythology to talk about an orgasm is just unlike anything I had ever heard before. One of my favorites on the album is "Rhythm of the Rain," a collaboration between North Carolina up-and-comer Thee Tom Hardy and Tunji, who is one half of duo Inverse. Again, the sound remains consistent as the three rhyme about rocky relationships over a folk sample with a chill-inducing vocal sample taking hook duties. While all three emcees verses are very effective, Kno absolutely kills it in the end with his use of weather metaphors to describe a relationship with a girl. It's insane how much creativity Kno puts in his verses on this album. Other standout tracks include "Spread Your Wings," which deals with hesitation of taking a relationship farther than it should and abortion, "When I Was Young," a more optimistic track which deals with each emcee reflecting on their past childhood struggles and overcoming those obstacles, and "Not At the End," another track featuring Tunji that just serves as a reminder that life maybe difficult, but at least you're not dead yet. I even enjoyed what everyone deems as the "weak" track, referring to "Graveyard," featuring Sheisty Khrist (another talented emcee who deserves more credit; case-in-point, check out his collaborative album with Deacon the Villain called Niggaz With Latitude). Yes, Kno deviates from the deep subject matter that every other song on the album illustrates in favor of some braggadocious raps, and Sheisty barely spits a verse, but I liked it. First of all, the production absolutely bangs. Second, Kno sounds so playful and confident on the track that I don't even care if he's making hash tag raps throughout the song. And even so, he still does it better than almost every emcee out there that raps in that same style. Finally, it's just a lighthearted track that serves as a break from the more powerful songs on the album while still maintaining the album's coherent theme. The song may not be for everybody, but it's not a terrible song by any means. Obviously, Kno backs up the rhymes with fantastic production. I loved how dreamy the production sounded with what sounded to me like folk samples from the 60's and 70's, although I wouldn't know because Kno likes to keep his samples under wraps. It just all flows together beautifully and with more sophistication than you would hear from mostly any other rap album. In fact, this album I wouldn't classify as a "rap" album. It is just pure art, poetry even. I've never heard an album such as this before, and other than CunninLynguist's latest album, Oneirology, never heard one quite like it since. Definitely check this one out if you thought you have heard everything hip-hop has to offered, or if you are just a music fan in general. It does feel like the subject matter can take a dip into depressing territory from time to time, but I think the open-ended messages in the verses definitely make it worth listening to. I would give it:

3 FULL PIG SNOUTS OUT OF 3!

(Too lazy to insert pig snout images and try to figure out how to resize them....)

And check out the music video for "La Petite Mort (Come Die With Me)." You won't regret it:

That's all I have to review or talk about tonight, so hopefully I'll have something more next time. Stay tuned in the future for new videos from yours truly, and possibly a review of the new CunninLynguists project, Strange Journey Vol. 3, dropping sometime this year supposedly. They allowed fans to vote on guest appearances, producers, and song topics, which is something I have never heard a music artist do before. Check out their Facebook page to witness the experiment yourself. Things like this are why CunninLynguists are my favorite rap group out there. I love how much they respect their fans and how consistently amazing their music always has been. 

Anyways, enough of my gabbing about rap music. Time to end this sucker. So, Colonel Pork, signing off.......with awesome solar flare logo of awesomeness that may cause permanent blindness!! OH NOESSS!!!!!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The 2,436th Shortest Blog Post Ever

Yeah, that blog title is just an estimate. Realistically, I'm probably waaaaay off. But I just wanted to write a blog post to say....that this weekend, I have nothing to say. Also, it is 4:20 PM right now as I am looking at my digital clock and typing this. Is it just me, or whenever you look at a digital clock in between the 4-5 PM time frame, you ALWAYS look at it when it is 4:20? Happens to me all the time. I've heard it happens to others, but I don't know why. But, whatever. That's my enlightening blog of wisdom for the week. *insert some kind of quote here to make myself look like a pretentious know-it-all trying to be "deep"* Yeah, I probably offended everybody who has ever used Facebook with that comment, but I couldn't care less. It's my blog. This is my boundaries. I can spew venom all over the place all I want. I'm not even going to share this on Facebook like I always do, so it doesn't make a difference. Anyways, this blog post is probably longer than I intended, so I better end it now before I go back on my post title. I'll probably give this blog a proper update when I complete a game, listen to a new album, or watch a new movie or something. So, Colonel Pork, signing off......with awesome solar flare logo that may cause permanent blindness! OH NOESSSSSSS!!!!!!!

BOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Belated Reintroduction (With A Bit of Colonel Pork History)

WELL, 10 months later......and here I am with a brand new blog post! THAT certainly worked out as planned, didn't it? To those poor, misguided wanderers of the Interwebz who got suckered into thinking that they would be treated to a brand new blog post by Yours Truly the Sunday after my previous one only to be left all alone with nothing but an obligatory tumbleweed, a duststorm, and an overwhelming sense of isolation........yeah. No apology from me. No sympathy whatsoever. Because I have a nonexistent audience. So why should I apologize to thin air, or in this case, empty cyberspace? Bahahahahahahaha! You humor me so.

So I guess as before, I must start off this blog post with DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN:

COLONEL PORK'S COMMENT COR--*record scratch*

Oh let's cut the hog excrement. Why am I even bothering? We all know the inevitable. The leering "NO COMMENTS" indication right where one would usually see a list of comments. The wasteland of nothingness penetrated by the dreaded "POST A COMMENT" box taking center stage. You even contemplate typing a comment of your own out of self-desperation to make it LOOK like you've got hits, and use some weird ass nickname that you just pull out of your bottom to cleverly disguise said comment. It's a blogger's worst nightmare. Not a single indication of acknowledgement. Not even spam! NOT EVEN A PICTURE OF A CAN OF SPAMok that joke was super lame. But you get the picture. 

But you didn't come here to read about some random Internet geekazoid ramble on in pathetic self-pity about the woes of overlooked blogs. Then again, maybe some of you are just into that sort of thing. No, what YOU, 1 or 2 people that will probably click this blog out of sheer curiosity just to see just how abysmal this blog that this dude on your friend's list posted and then sneer behind his back just to ensure how much more proud your own work of blogging is compared to him (boy that description winded on longer than anticipated), want to see are some reviews and all that jazz. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnndddd.........

*crickets chirping*

Nothing. I have nothing........What! I've been in school for the past couple of weeks! I haven't had the time to watch a full-length movie and REALLY think about it afterward or finish a game to the point where I can post impressions. And while I have listened to quite a few hippity hoppity albums/mixtapes lately, I haven't necessarily let them resonate enough in my head to really give my impressions just yet. So, I guess this week......hmmmmmmmmmm.......I could give a sort of reintroduction? YEAH, that'll be perfect, since I hadn't posted anything for a while, and I still have yet to establish an audience! YES!!!! YES!!!! WOO-HOO!!!!!! I'M A GENIUS!!!!! *gasping for air* Alright, alright, like the almighty Tourette's Guy says, "Calm down! Calm down! Don't get a big DUIIIICK!!!!!"

So, as if you couldn't already tell, I am Colonel Pork. AKA Gohantech. AKA, um, Josh. Yeah, that's my name. I'm pretty much a mass communications major concentrated in film and media arts at University of West Georgia, and I also have a minor in film studies. I am also caffeine free. Been that way for 5 years. That's one thing I can really brag on. I see people bitch and moan about being off caffeine for a day and complaining about horrible headaches, and it just feels FANTABLOUSISTABLE (ok, never again with the made up words) knowing I haven't had a lick of chocolate or caffeinated beverages since September 2007. 

But I apologize for that slight tangent. Actually, no I don't. It's my blog, and I'm very scatter-minded when I type. Don't like it, click away to some how-to blog or some witty research blog written by some dashing intellectual with Wayfarer glasses and a distinguished face with a defined jawline or something. Anyways, back to my acknowledgement of me making a slight tangent and beginning to mention how I'm going to go back to a previous subject that needs to be addressed. Many people--ok, maybe just three or five realistically--have asked me,  "How exactly did the nickname 'Colonel Pork' come about?" Well, since I have nothing else better to talk about, I shall reveal this brief history...........or at least the bits I can remember.

So I guess the earliest I can remember was when I was in sixth or seventh grade. I was an avid fan of Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network at the time, and back in those days, there was so much bizarre and random stuff on these cartoons that I just became addicted to this kind of humor. Whenever there was something that I thought was particularly funny, I would quote it around the house or extract from it my own goofy expressions and act zany around the house just to get a reaction out of my mom. She has always given satisfyingly hilarious reactions to my deliberately stupid behavior in the house. I can always remember on the show Hey Arnold! that there was one episode in which one of the tenants of the boarding house, a lazy Czech man by the name of Oskar, had to take care of a baby.

 During the beginning of the episode, he would whine and cry to his wife to make him a sandwich. And for some odd reason, that just stuck with me and I thought it was hysterical. It was the carefree way he said it with his high pitched, heavily accented voice and whiny tone I guess. But I LOVED repeating it. And I LOVED making ham sandwiches and interpolating my own goofy phrases while making these sandwiches, just to establish that, "Heehee! I am making a ham sandwich!" I don't know, it probably doesn't make sense and the connection between Oskar's quote and my own seems loosely related, but it's hard to put it into words. Eventually, when my mom would make porkchops or pork steaks some nights for dinner, and then have leftovers the next day, I just found it really funny to say, "I am going to make a pork sandwich." "Look at the pork sandwich." "Pork sandwich this." "Pork sandwich that." Again, my intentions were extremely random, and that's why I repeated it over and over and over again to the point where I recognized my own infatuation with pork and ham sandwiches. So I started using that as a quirky characteristic about myself.

Now, how exactly did I come up with the name "Colonel Pork?" Dunno. My mind is fuzzy when it comes to the exact moment in which the name came into fruition. I think it had to do with me being a mischievousness Internet clown going onto Yahoo! chat rooms and causing havoc. Back in the day, when I was living far away from some of my friends, we used to get on Yahoo! Instant Messenger (back before texting became mainstream and THE communication phenomenon) and go into random chat rooms and goof off. I conjured up the name "Colonel Pork" one time, and I even started creating my own goofy mythos just to make people think I was a mental case in those chats. It is safe to assume that I was kicked out of quite a lot, which was my main goal as a chat room troll of course. But I started to embrace this name I used as usernames for websites as an actual nickname, and my mom even had it written on my birthday cake for my 16th birthday. I even remember in art class one of my first friends I made in high school used to call me "Hamboy" because I would express my love of ham as an inside joke. So I actually gained an alternative nickname in the process.

Fast forward to summer 2008. I was a graduated senior, and my dad had just gotten me a rad new Kodak digital camera. And I was a YouTube addict. And the digital camera had a video function. A swarm of light bulbs start revolving around my head. I MUST TRY MY HAND AT THIS YOUTUBE THANG!!! So, I uploaded my first video to the "colonelpork" page I had created in 2006 (and to the day of me typing this post, "Please Wait..." STILL has no likes/dislikes or comments...). And throughout that whole summer before I moved to another state, that camera practically recorded my life everyday, despite the grimy quality. I went everywhere with that thing. I made my own satirical vlogs revolving around a "wannabe gangsta" and I was introduced to video editing by using Windows Movie Maker to create my own misadventures around town with this "wannabe gangsta" persona I created. They weren't funny, and looking back at them now they are worthy of being excremental representatives of YouTube's version of Hell, but to me, they serve as memories I suppose, so I keep them on there to remind me of the good ol' days. But another reason I made so many videos was because I actually had friends by the time I graduated. I always had a hard time making friends throughout my high school years, but by the end of my senior year, I had a crew of them I could call my own. And this camera that I owned helped me establish a distinguished identity amongst them. Despite these videos that I recorded being just plain farfetched and lame to the outside viewer, between my friends and I, they provided immense entertainment, both in recording them and just watching them back. And thus, my nickname, "Colonel Pork" was born, and my friends were actually calling me that on a day to day basis. They still do today. And ever since, it has stuck. Even when meeting new people in college, they call me by my nickname as well once they recognize that I'm a goofy guy with a YouTube channel. It does irk me a little bit when people shorten it to "Colonel," since it makes me sound like I was a colonel in the Army and I don't want strangers overhearing my shortened nickname getting the wrong idea. But no matter. It's still cool that people are starting to recognize me with a nickname that I made up as opposed to just boring ol' "Josh." 

So that's basically my whole, long-winded life story of the origins of "Colonel Pork." I know it seemed like just neverending rambling, but, just to reiterate, it's my blog, and I can write about whatever the hell I want and make it the length I want it to be. That's the beauty of blogging: your rules, your writing, your blog. And if you happen to have a stroke of luck, maybe you'll just find that audience you're looking for. Or maybe not. Maybe you'll just continue to write dozens upon dozens of blog posts to no avail. But at least it's reassuring to know there is a place to vent and get your thoughts out there in some way, shape, form or fashion with the potential of feedback and establishing connections with other people. I know my style seems very sarcastically self-deprived at times, and I know that may turn off a bunch of people, but I look at it as a way of being honest about myself and to be self aware and vulnerable in a world of egotistical, narcissistic douchebags. I just don't want to be another one of those people. So if I get a comment or even a view, that means the world to me. But if not, at least I have a medium to post my thoughts and feelings about the world and about myself at times, such as this post. 

Either way, I sincerely do apologize this time if this post was longer than it should have, but if you actually read it, kudos. Hopefully next time I'll have something more informative. Or perhaps I'll start sharing my own work on YouTube, but in the mean time, check out my first channel and my newest channel, SuperColonelPork, for some skits and videos I've done for college. I will be uploading my professional work on that channel while uploading other random stuff on my older channel. As for when my next post will be? Well, I sure as hell aren't going to give a definitive day like I mistakenly did last time, since my schedule gets in the way of writing these things, so expect another blog post whenever. So, Colonel Pork, signing off....with awesome solar flare logo that may cause permanent blindness! OH NOESSSSS!!!!!!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This Post is About Fictional Russians and A Boy Who Loves Clocks

So, my incredibly dull spring break is just about over, all the homework that was assigned to me that could be done has been finished, and it's Sunday. THAT MEANS NEW BLOG POST TIME!!!!!!!!! Can I get an incredibly dull, unenthusiastic "yay?" I thought so. ANYWAYS, here's a new segment I'm going to introduce to my blogs. It is called.......drum roll please.....*silence*........or not........

COLONEL PORK'S COMMENT CORNER!!!!

In this introductory section of my blog post, I will showcase the top three comments left on my last blog! Ready? I thought so! HERE. WE. GO!!!!

michael455_lakers4lyfe wrote: ur blog sukz dikz n shit i red better stuff n porn magzines n i dont even reed pornz! i jus look at da pics cuz da artcles are not even improtant i mean who reeds pornz 4 da articles neeways? so yeah i just thought id mention dat sucka bitch 

fudgemotioncontrols wrote: Hello! Read your blog, and I just wanted to say...............well, damn, I forgot. Well, I'll just write a comment anyways to let you know at least somebody acknowledged your blog and that.......I forgot what I was going to say again. Never mind.

bulgingbladder1996 wrote: ***<<<I thought your blog was very informative, but you should check out my blog over at clams4sale.blogspot.com for the best clam recipes on the web!>>>***

And, by top three comments left on my blogs, I meant hypothetical comments of exaggerated nature that never even existed to begin with! Why I did this, or even created this section to begin with, even if I did have comments, I have no idea. Maybe to waste everyone's time, which is what I'm good at. MOVING ON!

COLONEL PORK'S AVERAGE BOAR GAMING REVIEWS OF SIMPLICITY!!!!!!

Ever heard of Freedom Fighters? No? Possibly, but never gave an interest to? Well, this is the game that occupied most of the minimal gaming time I did manage to get in during break. I've had it sitting on my shelf, collecting dust since I got it for Christmas way back in 2003. Well, actually, I did try to play it and get into it back when I first got it, but for some reason, I just stopped playing it. Maybe I found it too difficult, maybe I found it too bland, maybe it was the combination of the two, I don't know. But, as we get older, our tastes in various things have the tendency to drastically change, so, being the more open-minded 22-year old that I am, I mustered up the courage to dive into it again. On the hard difficulty. And here's where the irony comes in......or maybe it isn't, depending on who you talk to: it was actually easier than I remembered, despite playing on a harder difficulty than I did last time when I played as a picky preteen. I don't see how, since I was fairly more involved in gaming back then than I am today, so why the huge difficulty slump? It could be the fact that I could adapt to the strategical squad-based gameplay mechanics far more simpler than I could back then. That's basically what this game is: a squad-based shooter, a third-person one at that. 

You play as a plumber named Chris (proving that Mario isn't the only sole contender to that title any longer) who witnesses the Soviet Union taking over the U.S. and subjugating its citizens to its brutish rule, so it's up to you to join the resistance and stop the evil doers. Because we all know that in Gamingland, the Russians = evil, bloodthirsty tyrants who aimlessly kill foreigners who get in their way with very hyperbolic accents of predictable proportions. 

But, the story isn't why you play this game. It's the gameplay. You take part in various missions in which you have to destroy enemy helipads, rescue prisoners of war, and ultimately take back territory that they have taken over. And........that about does it for the mission types. It can seem like very repetitive stuff at times. However, to me, it is a game that hearkens back to when old school action games focused on level design and gameplay, relying on repetition in order to accompany a gamer to master the mechanics through more difficult encounters and ultimately beat the game. It also becomes addictive the more you play, and you'll be wanting to conquer the next mission after beating the last. What makes the missions interesting is the impact that some have on another, depending on the order you tackle them. For example, suppose you are playing a level, and you constantly have a barrage of enemy helicopters mowing you down with a barrage of bullets. You can actually destroy a helipad at another location, and it will take care of the helicopter problem, adding a hint of strategy in the game. 

It makes situations a little more simple, but you WILL eventually stumble upon a few frustrating points in the game. However, it is nothing too excruciatingly difficult to the point where you throw your controller out your window. It is something that is actually refreshing to me because in today's day and age of gaming, developers rely too heavily on appeasing the "casual" crowd by sacrificing difficulty, and far too often in video game reviews, you read complaints about the game being "too easy." For once, it was nice to revisit a game that existed before the sudden surge of widespread appeal bombarded the video game masses. 

As for the squad-based goodness, you level up your "Charisma" meter by completing mission objectives and rescuing prisoners strewn about levels, unlocking an additional slot in which you can recruit one more freedom fighter to accompany you. The maximum you can have in the game is twelve, and by the game's end, it does feel exhilarating to be commanding a band of fighters that size. 

Because the game was released in 2003, don't expect the graphics to impress the hell out of you, because they do look incredibly dated. But no matter. If you're the type of gamer who prefers gameplay over graphics, like me, you won't mind one bit. However, the game does sport a sweeping musical score at times. There will be times when you'll be about to enter into an area with a shitton of baddies, and you'll be bracing yourself to command your squad to press on and engage in combat. Once you make that decision, though, in the midst of all the gunfire and chaos, you'll hear that music, and think to yourself, "Damn. This is some cinematic, action-packed shit right here!" It definitely adds to the game's amazing firefights.

Controls also seem very dated. In this day and age where the FPS and the over-the-shoulder third-person games are king, it can be very rough to become readjusted to the controls of an older shooter. For one, there is no cover system where you can peak around corners and stride against walls. You can only resort to finding a wall to hide behind and crouch. In order to return enemy fire, you'll have to manually crouch and stand in order to fire your weapon most of the time. Again, in my opinion, it adds to the challenge in a way that most modern games no longer contain, but for newer gamers who have become spoiled accustomed to the PS3/360 generation of games, the learning curve could be a little steep. 

It's a very decent game that took me about 9-12 hours to beat, which is pretty standard for a third-person shooter. Aside from repetitious mission objectives and gameplay, there is a noticeable lack of variety when it comes to enemies you'll encounter (not to mention there are barely any boss battles). It isn't an immensely deep game, but it is very entertaining for what it is, and despite its shortcomings, if you can look past them (I'm looking at you, you CoD graphic whores with short attention spans), you'll find yourself a little gem to cherish. I give it:

         

2 PIG SNOUTS OUT OF 3!!!!!!!

Yeah, screw those five or ten point scoring systems gaming sites give. I'm an unconventional hipster, so I come up with my OWN scale. Colonel Pork fights for nonconformity! Colonel Pork leads his army of boars and swine to fight against predictability! Our purpose SHUNS that! Our purpose is to CONQUER that! Our purpose is to FIGHT that! FOR ORIGINALITY!!!!!

*silence*

Oh, um, sorry. Got carried away, like I was at some political rally of loyal pig followers. I was actually expecting a crowd of squealing oinks to supplement that speech I was going for there. Whatever. Anyways, FAMILIAR SEGMENT TYME!!!!!!

COLONEL PORK'S CINEPLEX FOR CINEPHILES!!!!!!!

Ah, here's one I'm sure you've all heard of. Hugo. This is a film released last year by the AMAZERINGFUL Martin Scorcese. If you've never heard of the guy, well, then I SENTENCE YOU TO EXILE IN THE DESERT WITH NOTHING BUT A PLAID KILT!!!!! Or, not, since I don't have that ability. I'm just a nerdy dude with a stupid username on the Internet who has an inflated imagination. Anyways, MOVEH!!!!! Going into this, I had heard reports that people suffered from immense boredom, despite the visual spectacle found in the film's various shots. However, I could not disagree more. This was an incredible experience to take part in. You go in expecting something of a fantasy adventure that takes place in an early 1920s steampunk atmosphere in Paris, but it becomes a lot more than that. It actually becomes a partial film history lesson at various moments, which is what kept my interest throughout the film. It all reminded me of some of the things I learned in a Film Theory and History class I had last year. I won't spoil anything here, since some of it becomes crucial to unfolding the film's plot, which is based on a book called The Invention of Hugo Cabret. Read the wikipedia article if you want to spoil all the good stuff yourself. But it basically follows a young thief who has a passion for fixing clocks and tinkering with machines powered by gears, and he eventually becomes apprehended by a disgruntled old man who runs a toy booth. That's all I want to reveal. Watch the movie yourself you lazy shizznipples! The cast is incredible, and features the likes of the superb Ben Kingsley as the toy booth owner, Asa Butterfield, who turns in a surprisingly good performance as Hugo, and a surprise performance from Sasha Cohen Baron....I mean, Sasha Baron Cohen (always get his name jumbled) as an inspector at a train station with a dysfunctional leg who rules with an iron fist, but also provides, of course, some of the film's comic relief. What I really enjoyed about this film was how it blended film history with other subplots surrounding some of the other characters, such as Hugo's misadventures with the inspector and the inspector trying to pursue a florist he is attracted to. It gives every minor character you encounter in the film some personality and depth while involving you in a sense of adventure throughout. I've never read the book it was based off of, since I'm not much of a reader (I know, smite me), but I can imagine the book has some of the same elements in it. And, for all you people who LOOOOOVE using philosophical quotes for your Facebook statuses, this is a film for you. The film interposes its atmosphere filled with gears and machinery into some very insightful metaphors on life itself, giving you something to think about after the credits roll......yeah, that last sentence was me trying to sound all smart and shit, but I'm not sure if it just came across as very pretentious or confusing as hell or what. Regardless, all and all, as a lover of film who wants to go into the field himself, I definitely enjoyed the movie a lot and it was very interesting to learn some history about the beginnings of film as well as witness some exhilarating adventures of Hugo. It is a movie that pays homage to the movies with a lot of heart, and Martin Scorcese did a damn good job transitioning into family film territory with intelligence and grand visual wonder.

That is all I have to say for today. Tune in possibly next weekend for another irrelevant blog with things you're probably not interested in! I'm still trying to figure out which day to release these on every week, but we'll try Sundays, see how that does. So, Colonel Pork, signing off......with awesome solar flare logo of awesomeness that may cause permanent blindness! OH NOESSS!!!!! 

BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Obligatory Introductory Blog Post of.....ummmm....Gravy

You probably stumbled upon this page, wondering, "Oh no. No no no nononononono. Youtube account? Ok. His own page on Facebook? Fine, whatever. A damn BLOG???!!! Hell naw, this dude needs to stop. Seriously." That, or you're just a poor stranger that mysteriously happened upon this page, saw the abysmally drawn banner, and said to yourself, "Is this person serious? SHAKE. MY. HEAD." Actually, I don't think they would say those last three words out loud, unless they were an Internet junkie who likes doing that sort of thing.......*slowly sinks down in chair in guilt*


But either way or any other, depending on who you are, this is the blog of Colonel Pork AKA Gohantech AKA Josh Josh AKA Joshie AKA Joshy Washy Poo AKA Little Munchkin AKA Sgt. Porkrind AKA Colonel AKA Son Joshymon AKA Hamboy AKA Da Big Yung Lil Porkmansirthing da Villainmeister of the Boar Mafia Squad Clique Bloaw! Bloaw! Bloaw! *whew* Mostly, I'll probably do a combination of five things:

UN! Talk about hip-hop that I am currently listening to, whether it is old or new.

DEUX! Talk about games I'm playing at the moment.

TROIS! Discuss a movie I might've watched recently.

QUATRE! Maybe talk about tidbits of my life. But I'd like to veer away from that because it seems typical of most blogs.

CINQ! Post my mediocre videos.

Oh yes, need I shamelessly self-promote my Youtube channel? In case you're wondering, it is the user name, DA DA DA DUUUUUNNNNNN, colonelpork. Yeah, so unpredictable. I am, indeed, a part of the YouTube community, but I'm not one of those with 1000+ subscribers. I've only got about 90, and it's mostly because I haven't really made anything worthwhile as of yet. I've tried, but it's mostly experiments with Windows Movie Maker or Sony Vegas. I know what you're thinking: "BAH BAH GET A MAC WITH FINAL CUT AND SHIT PCS SUCK MAYNE YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!" Yeah. First of all, how the hell do you know I have a PC? Second, don't have the moolah. So get off my case. Although I hope someday to actually come up with the funds to upgrade to one. But anyways, you didn't come here to read about me ramble on about my movie making capabilities. Naw, you came for the GOOD SHIT! And yes, I have a tendency to swear a lot, but fuck it. If you don't like it, BAW WELL!!!!! 

COLONEL PORK'S CINEPLEX FOR CINEPHILES!!!!!

3 Idiots. Not my first exposure to Bollywood cinema (had to watch Monsoon Wedding for a class last year, which had some Bollywood elements in it), but it definitely left an immense impression on me. First of all, judging from the DVD case, you'd think it was a screwball comedy about these buddies goofing off in college just to try to get laid or become stoners or whatever your typical college comedy far calls for. Not exactly the case here. You still have these three dudes who slack off in college. However, they actually have a purpose for doing so, and they bring across some very real messages that are relevant to those who are actually going to college. I won't spoil what it is, but see for yourself, and you'll find a message that, while maybe not too subtle, is an effective one. Then again, with a flashy movie such as this, subtly isn't going to matter. What I also loved about this movie is how unpredictable it is. It mixes so many genres into one film that you won't know what to expect. One minute you'll see some over-the-top slapstick comedy, and the next you'll be shocked at some very grim scenes. There are also a couple dance numbers thrown into the mix as well that adds a zaniness to the film's atmosphere, which is fairly typical of a Bollywood movie straight out of India. They may seem cheesy and flamboyant to viewers who aren't used to it, but they add more personality to a lengthy film that oozes in charm and spectacle that you won't even mind. It also helps that the movie seems self-aware at times and even pokes fun at cinematic stereotypes represented in movies of the past, such as the transition to black and white when visiting the family of one of the friends, who happens to be living in poverty. It's a movie that blends harsh realities with imaginative set-pieces and a speck of bliss so seamlessly that it is unlike any concoction that I've ever witness in a film before. Sure you have your dark comedies with one consistent tone throughout. Sure you have your derivative comedies with that dramatic plot point towards the end that becomes resolved before you know it in a cliche manner. But nothing as unconventional as this. It is one of the most unique films I've seen lately, and I definitely recommend it for those who want something different and don't mind subtitles. Because we all KNOW that subtitles = bad movie, right? RIGHT?!!! That's what I thought.

WHAT THE HELL IS COLONEL PORK LISTENING TO???!!

So throughout the last few years, I've heard a few songs from Sticky Fingaz, one of the members of the group, Onyx. I liked his gravelly delivery and eerie, grimy voice and subject matter, particularly from songs such as "Debo the Game." So, just recently, with school and work practically taking over and the stress piling up to major depths, I needed some music to, well, vent to. The hip-hop genre does a very good job at providing some good music to calm your nerves to. It's basically my beer. My weed. My cigarettes. Without it, I wouldn't know what the hell to do to be honest. It helps me get by. But I wanted something more aggressive, in your face, something immensely dark, yet full of energy. I wanted some hardcore gangsta shit to bump in the ride, so, I checked out my Wish List on Amazon. I noticed one of those Onyx CDs were at a lower price than usual, and that CD happened to be their first album, Bacdafucup. So I bit. And at first, surprisingly, it didn't completely fulfill my aggressive needs. Yeah, an album with a cover like that, you're probably wondering, "Colonel, WTF dude? Those dudes look like they're about to cause a riot at my grandmom's house, the hell you mean it ain't 'THAT aggressive?"' Well, I gave it a few more spins, and it started to grow on me. And GROW on me. And, now, it's become one of my favorite old school 90s rap albums (out of the very few that I've actually managed to obtain within the past few years of sustaining my first job). There are so many bangers on this thing that pump you up and make you want to get out of your seat and just scream obscenities toward the world. It's the perfect shit to bob your head to when you just had a shitty day at your job or you got some bad results from your final exams or whatever. Oh, and of course, the main reason why I like this album so much? Sticky Fingaz, of course. Dude just has such a menacing presence as an emcee, and he definitely stands out. His fucked up personality is something you don't see much in hip-hop anymore, and it's refreshing to hear, even though the album itself is about 20 years old. But, yeah, if you're one of those people reading this that turns their nose up at the whole genre of hip-hop, thinking that it isn't a credible enough "music" genre, this album isn't going to convince you otherwise. In fact, I probably made you think just now that the genre was worse than you thought. But whatever. This album isn't meant to be meaningful or lyrical or artsy fartsy anyways. It's just an enjoyable album that gives you that extra UMPH! of adrenaline on those dreary days in which nothing is going right. Or maybe it's an album to listen to when you're just psyched about nonstop greatness fulfilling your day and you need that extra push to pump yourself up even more in celebration. Whatever floats your boat. Here's a sample morsel of intensity you'll find from this particular album:

I'll spare you from anymore long walls of text for now. I'm sure this first blog post was overwhelming as is, so I won't bore you to tears any longer. I'm still learning this shit, too, so I probably went over everyone's limit of how much bloggage they can consume at once, so maybe I can figure out the correct length as these posts go on. I just want to thank another fellow blogger, you may know her as Ryuluna AKA Luna. She helped convince me to make one of these suckers. She has her own blog that will just BLOW YOUR FREAKIN MIND it is so awesome and informative. So check it out. Notes From the Master Mind it is called. I would link you to it, but I'm still a n00b at this, so go Google dat shit or something. So, Colonel Pork, signing off......with awesome solar flare logo of awesomeness that may cause permanent blindness! OH NOESSS!!!!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!